I’m having horrible stomach problems today. I was really depressed last night. I slept at about 4am and spent a while crying. I can’t help it. i just sit there with a blank expression on my face and tears come streaming down my face. Sometimes after I eat I just have to go to the toilet straight away. Today though, we ate out. And the toilet was such that people in the restaurant would have heard me. And so. somehow i managed to just hold it. And now. I’m on the toilet again. 3rd time today. I really have a bad stomach. It’s been going on like this for months. I’ve been really depressed for months. The doctors didn’t help. one of them gave me a prescription for anti-spasmodic pills for my stomach cramps. I threw it away. I’ll just deal with it.
I wish mania happened more often. It’s fun. I like that I’m bipolar. I diagnosed myself but a. i have a psychology degree b. i read a lot and i’m 92.3451% sure that I am bipolar.
Sometimes I can switch in seconds. I can be wanting to scratch/dig my nails deep into my wrists (cutting leaves scars..scars lead to questions..questions lead to having to explain stuff I don’t want to have to explain) and crying and wanting life to be over. Then next minute I can be like I AM THE WORLD’S GREATEST! I CAN DO EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING AND I’M GONNA DO IT! WHY THE FUCK NOT!?
I did a personality test. Apparently I have the rarest type in the world. Einstein, Newton and Darwin have been studied as such that they have been given the same personality type. The difference between me and them is that by my age they were achieving shit. Why haven’t i achieved shit?
I can’t dedicate myself to anything. I’m not even sure I want to dedicate myself to my boyfriend. I think i love him. I definitely did. We clicked. He’s so so good to me. He’s there for me. I trust him completely. We laugh all the time and never argue. We have serious conversations too and we can open up to each other and cry in front of each other and poop in front of each other. and the sex is amazing. It’s not as wild or passionate as I would hope for but its the best i’ve ever had.
It’s not that I don’t love him or that I don’t want to be with him. I just don’t want to be with anyone. I’m better alone. I achieve WAY more. I get on with life. Maybe its just that I have the space to myself and at the moment, living in a small apartment where we work, eat, have sex, watch tv and hang out in the same room. It’s SO FUCKING STRESSFUL.
there’s a lot of stuff everywhere. his stuff. his work stuff. i hate stuff. i wish i had less stuff. and then i think ‘i should just enjoy whats available to me’ but then i hate it too.
i think the problem is that i want to just get away and get on with life and be able to go to different places and not have to worry about someone else. if i was single i’d just go and do it without question. but because I’m in a relationship. what am i meant to do? he can’t afford to pay the whole rent himself. i don’t want to have to rent a place if I’m not even there. i guess i could always just go for a couple of weeks.
where am i even going anyway? i don’t know.
i don’t know what to do.
my mum and sister and i came up with a business idea at lunch. it’s one i’ve already thought and one which my boyfriend has suggested to me – to set up a cake business. I bake incredible cakes (though there is one i haven’t mastered yet..)
it’s not a bad idea. i would do it. i think the issue is not how/when/do i want to and all the things that make setting up a business hard. it’s WHERE?!
my parents want me to live at home with them. It means i don’t have to pay rent, and I would be able to set up a business there easily. We have land and an empty barn which I could do up into a professional working kitchen.
My boyfriend wants me to live with him. And staying with him means not living in the same city as my parents because if I did they would make me (not literally force but there’d be a lot of arguing and upset people) live at home. i wouldn’t be able to just live with my boyfriend because it “goes against their beliefs”. I’m supposed to stay “pure” (naive) until marriage.
i’m sure my mum knows that i’m not. but i keep up the act that i am.
But
the problem is not that i don’t want to live at home. and it’s not that i don’t want to live with my boyfriends.
its just that. i don’t know where i want to be. I don’t really want to stay in the same place i’m at now. I have no friends there. i have nothing there. i have a reflexologist who is great. but that’s about it.
why am i living in this city where i have no one but my boyfriend? i was there for my masters but i’ve dropped out.
he wants to stay coz it’s close to his parents house (he needs to go back now and then to cut some wood for his work coz obviously he can’t just sit cutting wood in our apartment).
i don’t even know if i want to be in the country! the weather SUCKKKSSSSS!!!!! the accents SUCK! the people SUCK! the food SUCKS!
apart from that it’s alright.
but really i think for me the biggest things are the weather, the people (just the general atmosphere and the general way of life and thinking etc..), and the food.
if i have those things good i’m not really bothered about the rest.
but i’ve been around the world and i’ve never been anywhere that i’ve fallen in love with completely. Not in a way that I could live there. I love new york. but i don’t want to live there. it’d be better than london tho. I HATE LONDON SO MUCH! it’s so stressful. SO stressful and the people are such DICKS!!!!!!!!! what cunts! they walk past you and bump into you HARD! and they don’t even stop for a second to turn around and say sorry or see who they hit they just continue like GET THE FUCK OUT MY WAY. god!! WAKE UP! GET OUT OF YOUR FUCKING RAT RACE AND FUCKING CHILL OUT AND STOP! JUST STOP!
i can’t. i just can’t do london. I need peace i need serene settings, i need people who are PEOPLE not fucking robot workers. I need people who don’t dress like dickheads and hang around the east end thinking they’re the coolest most original shit. HELLOOOOOOO!!!?!??!?! theres about 234823048290481904 other people who look and dress and talk and think and act JUST LIKE YOU!
fuckin hell.
fuck. i just. i just don’t really like england. its even weird to me that my boyfriend is english. the english are so. obedient. its like FUCKKKKKKKK JUST BREAK THE FUCKING RULES IT DOESNT MATTER!
like i want to take a left turn and I’m not really meant to. but its late and no one is around. I’m going to take that fucking left turn.
and if someone is in my car and they go “oohh nooo you caaarrrnnn’t doooo that!” i literally just want to punch the fuck out of them and say YES I FUCKING CAN. AND I FUCKING DID YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACEEEEEE!
ITS SO FRUSTRATING
the way they stand in their fucking lines and the other is empty. and yes. i will fucking go in the other line even if i’ve just arrived and other people have been waiting hours.
how fucking stupid do you have to be?! “no i’m not doing that it’s rude” FUCK RUDE!
GOD!
FUCKING FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!! I’m just so
i have this fire that has been damped my entire life and all i want to do is RIP THINGS AND SHOUT AND SCREAM AND SHAKE PEOPLE AND SCREAM IN THEIR FACES!
but also I’m just chilled too. but ARGHHHHHH!!!
IM JUST SO FRUSTRATED! its like the englishness has repressed this fire inside me. i hate it. i hate that english repressedness. i think thats what worries me about my partner. he’s just doesn’t have quite enough fire in his belly and its not like I’m constantly restless and wanting to do things and such. a lot of the time I’m just tired and want to chill at home. but really i think its because there’s nothing fun or interesting to do in england. what is there. shopping. drinking.
I WANT BEACH! i want hot weather and crazy architecture. i want secret passage ways and beautiful scenery. I want to discover a hidden gem. i want to eat the most incredible food for a small fee.
I want a tan always. I want to see tanned people. I want to see men with soft little hairs that have gone blonde in the sun on their necks. i want to see white tshirts and sunglasses. i want to see a relaxed and content expression on peoples faces.
i don’t want fat, white, disgusting, miserable grossness.
nor do i want to see this
just fuck
basically.
i don’t where to go. and if i do go my boyfriend doesn’t really want to go. i don’t think so. i think he wants to stay in england. he said he’d go with me but i dunno. maybe i don’t even want him to. i think i do. but sometimes i think “i wouldn’t be able to go just walk around my own with no aim and without worrying about the time and worrying that he’s gonna text and be like “where are you? :(“.
maybe what I’m not good at is relationships. i tend to run and hide and end then suddenly. i don’t want to hurt him. i don’t.
i just. i don’t know.
and I’m so sick of not knowing. I’m so sick of saying i don’t know.
but i don’t.
lifeandotherconundrums 