It’s Bastille Day today, AKA French Independence day. And I, conveniently, am in France. As I have been for most July 14th since conception (gross).

Anyway 

I have to be quick because I have to get ready and do my hair because we’re going to go watch the fireworks. Even though that doesn’t happen for another four hours, it takes a while to get there and we are meeting people etc..etc.. so I only have 1 hour to get ready. And my hair takes forever because it’s wild.

This is not relevant. 

Anyway, the past couple days I’ve been TRYING to be more upbeat etc.. I was alright. I’m trying to just think to myself that I have to stop worrying about the future and what I’m going to do and where I’m going to be etc..etc.. and just go with the flow. 

But i’m not a flowy kind of person. I’m fire. Maybe just knowing that I’m an Aries and a fire sign makes me think I’m fire. But I feel like fire regardless of whether the decision has been influenced by merely knowing that I am a fire sign. 

How do I feel like fire? I feel like I am mostly useful and good. I can provide warmth and happiness to people. I can be in the centre while they surround me and enjoy themselves, singing songs and melting marshmallows. While I sit there burning brightly but quietly. I don’t have to do or say or be much. I just have to be. 
I also feel that I could be quite disastrous – if I wanted. Though I have an evil guilty conscious- it’s so bad that it’s drowning me. I wish my guilt conscious would just BACK THE FUCK OFF!

I feel like my flame is just sort of barely there. There’s not very much light. I’m barely burning.

I feel so confused. I can’t help not “going with the flow”. It just seems to..naive. To think everything will just work out if I just chill out and take it step by step.
i can’t. I’m a planner. I have to make logic decisions. I like working with numbers and I like solving problems. I do logic puzzles all the time.

Maybe I should go to Japan and just do Japanese logic puzzles all day and watch anime. 

I think I’d hate it. I hate sushi. and weird gross food with bugs in them. I hate busy crazy crowds and people rushing around me. 

Maybe not Tokyo then. 

But i’m scared of earthquakes and volcanoes. 

But I’ve always had a thing for Japanese men. Plus Japanese babies – the cutest. 

I don’t even know if I want kids

Infact I don’t even know ANYTHING. I don’t know what I want. For the first time in my life! I hate it. 

I hate that I feel so aimless. so goaless. that i have no passion for anything. even music. it’s just like ‘yeh put this song on its fun to dance around to’ or ‘it’s nice to sing’. that’s all i judge music by these days. i don’t even care! 

i don’t care that i blow my nose on my towel. i don’t care that my cold wet hair is dripping on my shoulder. i don’t care that my back feels a bit sun burnt. i don’t care that my sister and my cousin are coming home soon and are gonna see me in my towel crying. 

I DONT CARE

i don’t like anything. but i like everything. 

i don’t want anything. but i want everything. 

i don’t like anyone. but i like everyone. 

WHY AM SUCH A FUCKING OXYMORON!?

maybe I’m just a moron. 

SOMEONE HELP ME!!! 

maybe i need a lobotomy. 

i don’t want one. 

i tried to explain to my boyfriend that he’s probably better without me coz he gets more done without me. 

but he just said it’s not true. 

how can i not know what i want!? i just can’t believe. all i know is that when i start feeling like this, this blog is my place to go. it’s just like QUICK I NEED TO TYPE EVERYTHING POSSIBLE IN MY OWN HEAD AS FAST AS POSSIBLE! 

there’s probably a lot of typos. tho i delete and correct just as quick as i type. 

ah. 

god. 

and what makes it worse is that I’M SO LUCKY. i am. not only do i have all my limbs, all my organs work, all my senses work (i need lenses/glasses but i’m lucky enough to be in a situation where i can get those easily). 

I’m lucky to have a family that is there. who welcomes me home with open arms. they even want me there all the time. who support me financially. who care about me. who want the best for me. 

and I’m so lucky that i am in a position where i can do ANYTHING I WANTED. anything. i could do literally anything. 

maybe not having boundaries just makes it harder to choose. what a fucking spoilt brat shit thing to say. 

but it’s true. maybe I’m just a spoilt brat who needs a big fat slap and someone to go ‘stop fucking whining u spoilt cunt and get a job and deal with life like the rest of the world!’ 

i tell myself that a lot. just to get on with life. just live it. just get a job. who cares where you are if you like it or not. 

but knowing that. knowing that i have a lot and knowing that i could do pretty much anything. and yet I’m still so fucking depressed. 

in a way. it makes it worse. why can’t i just be happy that i have all of this!? why does anything else matter? why am i so fucking miserable!? why don’t i have any aim? why don’t i have passion?
why am i suffocating in my own thoughts? 

 

i just. 

 

i just don’t know anymore. what am i going to do? 

is that I’m scared that this guy will give me a life that is so. mediocre. normal house. normal job. normal food. normal holidays. normal friends.

i don’t know normal. i’ve never done normal. by normal i think i use mean middle class and average and so. you know. the stereotype of each country. the normal. 

i never had a normal house – i grew up in a mansion. with a second house abroad.

i never have a normal job – i had jobs while i was travelling. just temporary shit. hated it. 

i’ve had normal food but it was always at friends house or when my mum/myself wanted a break from cooking we’d have a ‘treat’ and have fish and chips or pizza or spaghetti or something. i’ve eaten at some of the best restaurants in the world. and also some of the worst. i’ve not really ever been ‘normal’

normal holidays – rarely happened. only with friends maybe. and even then it wasn’t the typical thing. 

normal friends – ha! yeah fucking right. rejects and weirdos. who half the time i didn’t even like. it was just someone to hang out with. 

 

maybe I’m just scared of normal. but at the same time it would be so nice to live in a normal house and have normal friends and invite them round and have an normal dinner where we chat about normal stuff. 

i don’t really know how to do normal though. i feel so. awkward and out of place amongst norms.

and also. do i even want normal!? why should i settle for normal? why shouldn’t i go live abroad? why shouldn’t i have a big nice house? why shouldn’t i have a boat? why shouldn’t i have extraordinary friends who i’m not sure if i really like but are so weird and intriguing? 

 

why don’t i just fuck off to the carribean and get drunk and hook up with some sexy muscly guy? fuck guys. i can’t be bothered with sex and knowing people and relationships. maybe thats my problem. that i just don’t want a relationship. 

i feel so emotionless. i just sometimes feel depressed and cry. or otherwise i feel blank. or ..occasionally I am hyper. i sing and dance around and talk fast and get excited and my pupils dilate and i feel so good and happy and like I’m fucking ruler of the universe. 

maybe I’m just very mentally fucked up. maybe i need special drugs and professional help. 

i don’t want either. i don’t. i just want to have an aim in life. to know what i want. that’s all. 

i just want to like things. and have an opinion and not have to not know stuff. 

maybe i should forget wants. and just focus on needs. 

i need food. got it. 

i need water. got it 

i need shelter. got it. 

 

so. maybe i should just die now. i have everything i need. what else is the bloody fucking cunting bastard shit faced point!?

WHAT IS THE POINT!?!?!? TELL MEEEEEE FUCKING STRIKE ME DOWN WITH LIGHTNING AND BLOODY GIVE ME AN ANSWER! 

GODD!?!?!?! DO YOU EXIST!? WHAT THE FUCK!? WHY AM I GOING INSANE!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!? 

 

fuckin hell. man. 

maybe I’ve just smoked way too much weed. 

that probably doesn’t help but I’ve been this way since i can remember. a fucking weirdo. that’s all i am. sometimes i like to dress funny. and i say ‘i feel so funny. so I’m gonna dress funny’ and then people look at me funny. and I’m like ‘whats their fucking problem?”

my boyfriend tells me he misses me. i want to say it back. i want to miss him. but i feel nothing! 

I JUST FEEL SAD AND CONFUSED AND AWKWARD AND WANT TO HIDE AND RUN AND HIDE AND DIE! 

😦 

maybe i should just take a shit load of drugs. if i die. i die.

if i don’t. and someone finds me. and takes me to hospital. then i live and i continue with life.

im so sick of giving life a chance . maybe it’s time to give death one?