so. 

thinking about film school.

yup.

that’s right. and no. i don’t expect to become fuckin steven stielburg. or david lynch. or anyone.

i just wanna do it. i’ve always loved movies. more than music. i love the imagery. the angles. the shots. the emotions the everything. i watch so many. as a kid thats all i did. 

i dropped out from my doing my first degree because i wanted to go to do. i told everyone i was leaving to go do film. 

but i didn’t. 

my family yelled at me and told me not to be stupid. 

i even just told my friend and boyfriend. 

reactions? “aww heehee” and “you don’t have a camera. when you’re done you’ll just be confused again”

 

great. fucking great.

fucking thanks. 

 

i’m thinking about just dying again now. 

 

i think i’d be good. 

im so fucked up i’d make awesome movies. i write a lot already. i’ve been working on something for a while but haven’t looked at it in ages.  because i have no fucking space to go and write. i get very emotional. i sometimes cry when i write. and i can’t have someone knowing I’m writing because then my ideas go. and also. they can’t read it at all. not until it’s done. and i have zero privacy so hence no writing. 

but i actually like what i’ve written for once. 

i always have ideas. i always see things and think ‘that should be in a movie’ 

i always look at the the big picture as well as all the tiniest details. i notice the curtains they have in movies. 

and plus i’ll be in charge. i’ll tell people what to do. i like that. they don’t have to like me. i don’t give a shit. its not about big centre of attention. its about control. and being able to do what i want. and telling others what to do. coz people are retarded. they must be told. 

so. 

yeah.

THANKS FOR YOUR FUCKING SUPPORT CUNTS! 

yeah. 

film school is expensive though. and daddy ain’t gonna pay. mama neither. 

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

i hate life

i want to die now. 

i asked god to give me a sign today. i cried and sat on the sofa and begged. please. please please. 

nothing happened. 

that kind of makes me happy in a way. 

but also scared. 

it means i’m more likely to actually do it. if theres nothing to fear. then there’s nothing substantial holding me back. 

I’m really considering eating all the pills in this house. 

i dreamt i overdosed on antihistamine last night. and i was spewing this weird white foam. what does that mean? 

what does anything fucking mean. 

i really hate everyone.

I’m going to get very drunk tonight.

 

i justified film school by saying – i got nothing else going on, i always wanted to, i may as well while i’m still young enough.

i really

fucking

hate them

“yeh yeh we love you we’ll support you in whatever you do”

go fuck off and die you fucking liars.

fuck you all. go die. i really don’t care. 

 

i honestly don’t though. that scares me a bit. if they died. i’d just be like ‘shit. oh well’ 

i never cried when anyone died so far. my grandpa died and i cried but only because i thought i had to and thats what you were meant to do. 

i feel like just going ‘well i don’t give a shit what you do. I’m going’ 

why can’t i be that heartless when i feel it inside? why can’t it just come out of me? why can’t i just say it?
all this stuff I’m writing.

why can’t i say it to others? even if I’m typing to them. i can’t. it’s like. some mental block. i can’t talk if I’m sad. my throat closes up. nothing comes out. i can’t even think of things to say.

 

i hate it.

 

why is film school a bad idea? i mean. i don’t expect anything to come of it. if it does – fuck yeah! if it doesn’t – i learnt some stuff. i met some people. i’ll know that ‘ok it’s not for me’.

thats not bad.

 

instead of getting old and regretting it.

 

fuck em

im gonna do it

 

the issue is just choosing where. and how to get money for it. 

 

i really hate life. so much.