i told my boyfriend that i wanted to show him my blog. but that he might hate me and think I’m insane. and get upset. 

he asked why

i said because its my inner most thoughts. the deepest shit. stuff that people shouldn’t really see or read. 

he said “well done, i don’t want to see it now”

 

WHAT!?

FUCKING WHAT!?

 

if it was me, and someone offered me a glimpse into their mind, especially if it was someone i love and want to be with i would jump at the chance and be like YES YES YES

YES SHOW ME!

and id read it. and analyse it. 

what the fuck

how can he not want to? 

that just pisses me off. so much. i mean. not just that he doesn’t care. but the fact that he’s like that. that he doesn’t want to. how can you not want to!?

i started writing a list of all the things i don’t like about him today. 

it was getting long. i stopped before i had chance to finish. 

i scrunched it up.”fuck this” 

i turned around and saw a pros and cons list about something else that my dad had made and threw in the bin. 

i sort of had to laugh at it. there i was. in his office. in his seat. writing a cons list. just like him 

I THINK IM gonna do it now. again. 

this is everything i dislike about him:

1. style – non-existant. i wish he would dress better. and had better hair. and better glasses.

2. his eyebrows.

3. he speaks so quiet in public. and when i say ‘speak louder i can’t hear you’ he gets annoyed/embarrassed and says ‘i don’t want everyone to hear me’. i can’t hear him. so i just don’t listen. it’s usually not interesting anyway. 

4. he’s not confident enough. i don’t want an arrogant bastard. i just want someone who can handle being introduced to my friends and family. and even win them over with their charm. 

5. he’s not rich enough. it matters. 

6. he’s crap at massages and moans if i ask for one and does it for 2 seconds and crappily. 

7. he’s not on it. i have to make all the phone calls about shit. if i ask him he’s like ‘ooojhhhh ‘ 

8. he has a different voice to speak to his parents. he turns really really really english. and really like ‘mm right, yes’. FRUSTRATION! 

9. he talks about his exes ALLLLL THE TIME. he even called me one of their names once. it was near the start of our relationship. i kind of just laughed it off mostly because i kept wanting to call him the wrong name too. but come the fuck on. i don’t give a shit about ur cunting exes. 

10. he gets stressed and moody too much. 

11. he’s not ambitious enough

12. he’s too atheist… and yes you can be “too” atheist. somehow. 

13. he’s not tall enough

14. he’s too white

15. he’s not got a nice body 

16.  i don’t like those few strangely hairs on his chest 

17. his nose is greasy and has a billion white heads that i just always want to squeeze 

18. he  isn’t passionate enough

19. boring 

20. doesn’t have interesting shit to tell me. i can’t have debates with him. i end up just having one out loud to myself while he listens and goes ‘don’t say it so loud in public’ 

21. he’s not tidy 

22. his beard is ginger. my dad had ginger hair. if we ever have kids. they’d probably be ginger. 

23. his family are so. normal. and english. and repressed. and soooo normal and middle class. and his mum doesn’t like going on holiday. holiday is going in the car somewhere a few hours away. 

OMGG OM GOM GOM GOM OGMOMGOMGOMOGOMGOMGOMOGOGMOMGOMGOGOMOGMOGMOMGOMGOMGOMG

sometimes. i meet people. and i think. you’re really nice. i really like you. but there’s no way that this wil ever work. 

yet i allow myself to fall in love and be swept away, only later, once the honey moon period is over, to realise that i was right in the beginning and now it must end btu I’m too emotionally involved and am going to get hurt. 

i also don’t really want to hurt him. but. 

i just can’t stay with him i don’t think. maybe this is why i feel so shit. coz I’ve been trying to stop myself from thinking that. that i should just break up with him 

i don’t know if definitely want to though. but i don’t want to drag it out. i don’t want to waste time. 

the other thing i don’t like 

24. he keeps saying stuff like ‘are you coming back?’ – when i was leaving to go visit my family. he said it. several times. he keeps asking me still. it’s like – just the fact that you think that. and that you doubt that i’m coming back makes me NOT want to come back. 

i really. i have no desire to go back. not even for my cat. fuck him. that cat is a bastard. he whines. he doesn’t let me pick him up or stroke him. he never sits on my lap. he just whines and eats like a pig and gets fluff EVERYWHERE. and his shit STINKS. and sometimes he gets it stuck in his fur and we have to wash his ass. 

 

sometimes i just can’t believe i allowed myself to start this relationship. i remember going round to his house to see him and just thought ‘oh god, no way’. i tried avoiding him a bit and he knew why. but i was trying to be nice and be like ‘no no no i like you’ and then. next thing you know its over a year later and I’m like ‘what have i done for the past year?”

got high. cried a lot. did something really bad that i think about and feel sick about all the time. i just hate my life so much. i don’t know why i get into relationships. i don’t even like relationships. i think i just get so lonely and like the attention and the confidence it gives me. and i mean he’s really nice. he’s the closet i’ve got to the perfect guy for me. but he’s just not good enough. and i don’t think he’s willing to fight for it. 

he said “i’m here, if you want to be with me”. what kind of attitude is that. why isn’t he being a man about it?

why can’t he be my knight in shining armour. 

my sister has met an incredible man. wow. the only thing wrong with him is that he’s not from a ‘good family’. but wow. what an incredible man he is. he’s inspirational and motivating. without even trying to be 

i see them. 

and i see me and my boyfriend. 

and i think – there is just no comparison. and even my boyfriend knows it. he’s like ‘ohhh your sisters boyfriend is gonna make me look bad blah balh blah’ it’s like – if you fucking know that then why don’t you fucking doing something about it? 

he said to me, “I’m never gonna be good enough, I’m never going to be what your family want me to be”

when guys say that to me all i think is ‘why the fuck am i with you then?”

i think that concludes it. i have to break up with him.

i feel sick.

but also excited.

and scared and nervous.

i have to. for my sanity.

 

im gonna write what i like about him just for peace of mind.

1. he’s kind to me. 

2. i trust him – i don’t think he’s going to cheat on me.

3. he gives good hugs

4. he’s good at sex

5. i think he cares about me which is nice. 

6. he’s quite good at cooking

7. he helps with the house work. 

8. his family and friends are nice….but sometimes nice just isn’t enough. 

9. he’s the most good-looking guy i’ve dated. but. i mean. that doesn’t really say much (why do i do these things to myself? why do i get involved with people i don’t even like!? why!? coz I’m scared to hurt their fucking feelings. what an idiot i am) 

10. … im struggling to think of anymore reasons why i like him. 

i don’t even miss him. i don’t miss someone hugging me all the time. or kissing me. or telling me they love me. 

i don’t care. 

i wish he was better. it’d make life so much easier. why can’t he be better? why can’t he be the man who provides and all that shit. 

he wants me to stay with him in a city that i don’t even want to be in. i don’t even know if i want to be with him. 

but he doesn’t want to pay – and if he does pay rent he only wants to pay a tiny proportion of it. 

how is this fair?
i keep saying we should just move home till i figure out what I’m doing. he doesn’t want to. and so he wants me to pay for most/all the rent. be with him. and be in a place away from everyone i know.

what the fuck am i supposed to tell him?

I’m going to go figure it out.